Humor

  Whether a seasoned die-hard or a brand new fan, everyone can benefit from a little erudition.  A knowledgeable fan base, as they say, is a winning one.    Actually, we’re not sure anyone says that.  But being entirely made up doesn’t make the phrase any less true.  It is for that reason, and in the interest of the public betterment, that we present this brief collection of Union facts, trivia, and general knowledge.  Some of it you may know.  Some you…
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The Blue and Gold faced no one whatsoever this weekend, in a clash that was widely hailed as being no worse for the team than the last several games.  The bye week saw the 0-3-1 Union continue their struggle to find winning form, as head coach Peter Nowak resumed his characteristic tinkering with the lineup and formations. In a typical display of dogged perseverance rendered moot by reticence in the final third, the Union managed…
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Now that I am become the journalism, it is time for me to practice the duties of journalism. There are three great skills of journalism: 1. Making the interview 2. Scooping the scoop 3. Propaganda Today, I am going #1. My subject is exciting young midfielder named Roger Torres. Probably, you are not remembering him. He is a small little guy from Mexico. Sometimes, I am playing him, when I remember to. Roger did not…
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In 2011, the Union were having the great defensive domination. Our clean sheets, our goals-against averages and our making-strikers-weep statistics were all in the league’s top five. However, we were not scoring the goals. I can only recall seven goals scored, in the full season. Perhaps eight. This only divides to a 0.22 goals-per-game average, which is not so nifty. For 2012, we will emphasize grit and youth and attacking play. We have unloaded our…
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Piotr’s recent comments about my coaching prospects along with the release of my proposed starter Nizar Khalfan have left me shaken these last few days. Broken emotionally and intellectually, I’ve decided to take a break from tactical talk and front office second-guessing. Instead of writing about all that heavy shit, I’ll return to my roots- banal dick jokes.  Here’s a few predictions for the 2012 season: 1. Though more of a grower than a shower, Zac…
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We are still have one international slot open on our roster. I was holding it for Robert Lewandowski, the great striker of Borussia Dortmund.  I offered second-round MLS draft pick and box of slightly-used practice balls.  They responded with demands of €9 million.  I tried to sweeten the deal with Levi Houapeu and three more balls.  They are no longer return my texts. Now, I am thinking we will bring back Juan Diego González.  I…
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[Don't forget to enter for your chance to Win a Union Travel Mug from Philly Union Talk] Goals for.  Goals against.  Pass completion percentage.  Minutes, miles, years, days, months.  No sports fan can resist the temptation of cold hard stats. Maybe it’s the fantasy of being able to understand what’s basically inscrutable, to make logical sense out of a wildly unpredictable and emotional thing.  We want to make order from chaos, and so we crunch…
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I am the man of Renaissance. Football player. Football coach. International spy. Culinary master. Fencing expert. Gifted oboe player. Man-who-can-eat-Joey’s-two-foot-cheesesteak. And now, I am also the journalism. Back in 2010, I sent to J.P. Dellacamera my first story. It was called: Watch Me Punch Chris Seitz in this YouTube Video It was very compelling story, with accompanying video. He did not publish it. A few weeks later, I gave him my second story, which was…
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As the offseason winds down and first kick approaches, let’s take a moment to remember the loved and lost: Mapp, Justin Mapp was taken from us on November 23rd, 2011.  A dynamic winger with the occasional ability to control the ball, Mapp was left unprotected and was subsequently picked up by the barely existent Montreal Impact in the MLS Expansion Draft.  Enduring a lifelong struggle with male pattern baldness, he nonetheless managed to produce for the Union,…
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Editor’s note:  Today, the staff here at PUT woke from a 3 month whiskey and BIMBO brand mini Kaiser roll-induced haze to the realization that face-of-the-franchise, leading scorer and all around exception to French stereotypes Sebastien Le Toux was gone.  His side of the closet was empty, his neon boots no longer by the door.  On the bedside table was a simple note, hand written and smelling lightly of Canali Men.  We present it to you,…
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