Eff Benny Feilhaber: Thoughts on NE

• by Conor O'Grady
• July 18th, 2011
• Humor, MLS, Opinion
• 4 Comments

After an agonizing few weeks on the road, the game against New England was a relief- a cool rain in the desert, a warm bed in the night, a flask of Jack in the middle of the workday.

Now is the time to gloat, but only briefly.  Let’s take a look at the things that stood out most last night.

Passing Play

When the hell did the Union learn how to string it together like this?  We can assume that one of two things happened- either the team’s dynamic is finally settling in after half a season of slow gelling and…let’s say…”experimental” lineup choices, or several members of FC Barcelona have stolen Union jerseys and currently have our starting XI bound and gagged in the trunk of a HUGE 1973 Cadillac parked under the Commodore Barry.  Either way I like it.

Enter the Fish

The last time I saw a kick like the one Ruiz dealt the ball in the 12th minute, it was shattering the cheek bones of that week’s Walker, Texas Ranger villian.  For a guy who doesn’t like to run or make plays or take passes or play soccer, Carlos Ruiz has shown serious potential for mixed martial arts.  Either that, or Chuck Norris can turn himself Guatemalan and slam revolving doors.

In all seriousness, if the Ruiz who fought inside the box and made something of that play is the Ruiz we paid for, I’ll keep him.  As it stands he’s got a lot to prove; even his most brilliant goals still feel like beautiful flukes.  Which brings us to his polar opposite,

Le Toooooouuuuuuux

If this man doesn’t score in the run of play soon, I’m going to…well, nothing.  I’m going to keep supporting him and hope for the best, because he works hard enough for 3 Ruiz’s and led our team to respectability in our opening season. 

Also, for all his agonizing, ball-scrunchingly close almost-goals (including the one in this game), his efforts are paying off for others.  Specifically, Carlos Valdes has Seba’s swan dive to thank for his first-ever goal in the 24th. 

Ask yourself what kind of player you prefer, assuming you had to choose- a Seba with no goals, or a Ruiz with several.  The answer speaks volumes about what kind of soccer inspires you, and frankly opens windows into your very soul that may well determine your fate in the afterlife.

Greatest. Defense. Ever.

Some analysts may find it surprising that 2 of the 3 goals scored against the Revo were courtesty of defenders.  Real Union fans know better.  The story of this season’s success has been the story of a backline that can’t be beat with a stick, even a 12-inch Colombian one (though our captain is rumored to be a strict disciplinarian).  At this point, why the hell not just score the goals as well? 

No one should be surprised by Sheannon Williams putting one in.  Since he joined the club, he’s proven himself to be the most offensive defender in the league, even (arguably) to a fault.  He’s a midfielder trapped in a defender’s jerry curl, and for all his pushing forward from the rear, a goal directly from himself was never out of the question.  Kudos, Sheannon. 

[PS- I didn't have access to Twitter last night, and I'm DYING to know what his girlfiend said after that.  Anyone?]

And then there’s Valdes, by far my favorite Carlos considering my only other options are Ruiz, Mencia, and the Jackal.  His defense is equal parts feverish tenacity and raw, naked skill, and I can’t tell which part I like more.

On top of that, he showed up to the party when a Union goal was on the line.  This team is quickly developing a habit of nurturing unlikely heroes, be they young (McInerney), old (Mondragon), unheard-of (Mwanga), or unfairly discounted (Le Toux).  Between that and the incredible potential of our youth system, the long term may see many a legend start their journey in Blue and Gold.  I think Valdes, despite his age and previous experience, may be one of them.

And let’s not confine our praise this week to the goals; it’s not like the defense forgot to defend while they were doing all that scoring.  Between their stonewalling and the general amount of possession enjoyed by the U, the Revolution didn’t manage a single shot on goal.  The whole time.

And Then There’s Benny

There was a time when many of the Union faithful, especially those of us with websites, clamored for our team to sign Benny Feilhaber.  Last night’s display put a major dent in whatever regret remains over passing on him.

Two blatantly dirty plays, the latter of which looked more NHL than MLS, and he still had the unmitigated gall to curse a blue streak in protest of his well-deserved red card. 

It’s truly a farce when New England supporters are shown the door for a mild, if crass, goal-kick chant while their players vent their frustrations through shoves and leg sweeps, then top it all of with brazen defiance and disrespect of officials.  If the league is worried about bad words being heard on TV, they should be aware of the fact that it doesn’t take Beethoven’s lip-reading skills to make out “fuck” when it’s coming from a player’s mouth in stunning Hi-Def. 

For proof of how innapropriate and shameless Benny & friends became over the course of the game, look no further than the fact that I just defended an MLS ref.